I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
