i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
