If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
