A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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