And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
