my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
