Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
