So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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