I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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