No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
