I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
