when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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