So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
