I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
