nut hugger
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
