Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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