guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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