I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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