Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I skipped work to stalk him.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i came on her dog
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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