Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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