She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
