And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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