and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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