Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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