Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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