your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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