i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
