Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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