I will die if light touches me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
