Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Please don't give away my fajitas
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
