I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
