My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
