Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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