The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
