and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
