I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
