...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I will pee on everything he values.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
