So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
