I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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