i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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