I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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