this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
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Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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