hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
