he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
