I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
