i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
