Your mouth is God's brothel.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
