I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
