apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
