I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
