dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
