you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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