Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
