New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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