He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
