i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
