Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
