My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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