Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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